As loyal readers know, Bear and I don’t see each other as much as we would like. What with children and various other responsibilities, we hope to see each other for two weekends a month, but it’s often less. When we do spend time together, we aren’t constantly being kinky. We are real people trying to maintain a healthy relationship despite the pressures of distance and other complications, and while kink is a necessary part of our relationship, it isn’t the only part. So in practice, it can be a while between kinky play sessions.
Last year we decided to push a few things further, with Bear being more forceful. Not going as far as consensual non-consent, but certainly playing-up the feeling of me being physically overwhelmed and helpless as he fucks me. I love this feeling, with his hands pushing me down and being unable to move, especially when he says filthy things to me. I find it an incredible turn-on and it was like we had discovered an instant slut-button. Our play has been continuing in this vein since then, and it’s been amazing. There have been occasions when I have been magnetically attracted to his cock, literally following it around when he pulled it out of my mouth. Something we were both a bit surprised by, but enjoyed immensely.
Now, it goes without saying that I spend every moment I am away from him missing him terribly, but recently, I have found myself craving him in a different way. Not the forceful Dom who pushes me around in the bedroom when I’m being all slutty. Not the snuggly bear who gives me cuddles on the sofa (although obviously I always miss this bit).
I’m missing the Dom who strokes my hair while I sit at his feet, and makes me feel all loved and cherished and cared for, but definitely still owned. So I feel subby but not necessarily slutty. The feeling I get when he fastens the collar around my neck. I think the focus on the purely sexual side of kink we have had recently has overshadowed the other elements a bit. I want to please him, and be his good girl rather than just his slut.
I mentioned to Bear that I really “missed my Dom”, and his initial (and understandable) suggestion was that he would be extra Domly at the weekend. I was immediately worried that I would get pissy with him if he went for that slut-button, thinking that was what I wanted. I still find it difficult when I feel like I’m “directing” him, and I was a little uncomfortable telling him that wasn’t what I had in mind. But he is awesome and always wants to understand me, so I did my best to explain what I was feeling to him. I think he gets it, and we’re going to have a fantastic weekend.
However, it still feels weird to me to talk about things in this way. Like we are scripting our relationship instead of it happening organically.
Being kinky adds so many facets to the relationship, and we each have various roles that we fill for each other. I am aware that if we are out of sync with which aspects of ourselves we want to express at a given time, it can cause friction, and not the fun kind. I want to be what he wants me to be, but sometimes I just don’t feel it, and then I have to choose between feeling like I’m disappointing him or going with it and hoping for the best. I should say that this is all in my own head, and he would never pressure me to do something I didn’t want to.
I don’t remember having to coordinate like this when I was in a vanilla relationship. It seemed simpler. Yes, there was the clichéd mismatch of expectations, but established vanilla couples don’t usually need to specify exactly what kind of sex they want. They just have sex. They don’t have detailed discussions about showing exactly the right type of affection for their mood that day. But then again, they are frequently frustrated with their partners not being mind readers, so I suppose it all comes back to communication. As much as I find it difficult to be assertive, I don’t expect Bear to know what I’m thinking. While my submission is about giving him control of me, it’s also about learning to take some control of our interaction. Neither of us is just a passenger in this. We both have things we need from each other, and that requires honesty, adaptability and confidence in the other person. We have to trust each other to listen, and to sometimes adjust our initial inclinations. It might make things seem less spontaneous, but I value mutual understanding in a strong relationship much more than spontaneity in an ungrounded one.