I am not sure a new me is in order, besides where can I get a new me from. Are they on Amazon or is it more one of those magazines type things, where they come in 125 issues, first issue just 99p (all other issues just £9) across 125 editions. Either way why wait until the last digit of the year changes or in this case the last digit and one month
As a kid, there was a noticeable change every few years, where I would be more comfortable in who I was. Not just physically but mentally. I am not and will never be a normal in the head. I have taken tome to come to terms with this and then finally embrace it. Yet there are times I think “if only” and this is no more apparent when I am with a groups of people.
When it comes to socialising I have noticed that I become slightly withdrawn and don’t get involved in conversations as much as I should or could. I don’t offer my opinion or thoughts and don’t really look like I am engaged. I just pipe up now and again with a wise crack or joke. The “get in and out quickly” routine I have perfected over many years is how I role.
Knowing this is the case makes me feel uncomfortable in groups and then throw in some anxiety issues and depression. I start to worry that people are not seeing the real me, I look distant and disengaged. I am sure they think I am being off and not really liking them or what they have to say. The truth is much further away. If I don’t like you, I won’t even be near you.
So where did this all start said my imaginary shrink. Well I think it’s always been there since school. I was not cool but I was not uncool. I was not a swat but I was not challenged by every lesson. (that’s the politest way I can say unintelligent). I was middle to top for most things. Yet my friends all seemed to be smarter and cooler than me by some way. This meant I lived life on the side-lines.
Now being on the side had its benefits. I could go unnoticed through most of school without mishap or any trouble. Well there was the one time I was sarcastic to the school bully and he missed the sarcasm bit which caused some minor bruising… but apart from that it was relatively easy. I just sat on the prereferral and did my own thing. Which let’s be honest suited my strange brain. I could disappear into some strange places while still sat in French.
When I would get together with all my friends, I felt no one wanted to hear what I had to say so I would not say much and when I did it would be a wisecrack or sarcastic comment (yes you would have thought I would have learnt, it only gets me into trouble). This way I got a positive reaction from those around me and that made me happy. To be honest it still does to this day. I guess it’s the bright side of being a bit odd.
Yet now I have grown up, allegedly, this way of dealing with groups will not cut it anymore. I need to get in there and be part of the conversation. I need to engage more with those who I am with. I need to be part of the conversation. I can do it with one person. In fact, I am pretty good at that I think. I just need to extend that to all whom I am talking too.
I guess the real kicker is that at work, I am this person most of the time. When I have the conviction of being backed by work ideals, I can involve and get my point across no matter how many people there are. I feel like there is a comfort blanket behind me and it’s not my views it’s work’s as such.
So, I just I have some back to me being odd and having some mental issues. How do I get passed this fear, for want of a better word, of sharing? I guess I just need to be more trusting in my thoughts, ideas and opinions. Believe that people might want to hear my views. It works on a one to one level so there is no reason why it can’t on a one to many.
Post-Script: I have been adding and changing this post since the start of Jan. So it might sound odd in places, well odder then normal, but it’s something I wanted to get down on paper. I have altered bits as the year has moved on which has meant some of the best bits have been removed as no longer relevant.
Post-Post-Script: Sorry for the “reflection” image