Sleepless in Northamptonshire 

I suffer with anxiety; the sort of hollow dread about nothing in particular that goes beyond the normal social anxiety of the introvert. It comes and goes, depending on how out-of-control I feel about the things in my life. This time last year I was medicated for it. I was unable to sleep, and if I did manage it for a few hours, I would sometimes wake up with a racing heart and a sick feeling in my stomach. It’s a very unpleasant sensation; you spend most of the time feeling like you’ve forgotten something incredibly important, and then suddenly you’ll get an adrenaline rush, as if your body has remembered what it was and starts panicking, but your brain is still out of the loop. 

My anxiety then was over a major change in circumstances for my son and I. It was still six months off, but I knew it was coming and I felt completely unable to control or even predict our future. Now, I’m the sort of person who likes certainty. I like peace of mind, as is evident from the number of insurance policies I fork out for. I hated knowing the change was coming, but not knowing what our situation would be afterwards, and feeling powerless to effect any change that would improve things.

In the end, everything turned out better than I could have hoped, but I revert back to the uneasiness and sleepless nights when I feel anxious.

As Bear has written, I screwed up and broke the rules. I know I have a punishment coming, and I understand and accept that. But we don’t have set punishments for such infractions; my punishment is to be determined by Bear as and when it is required. I appreciate that he had faith in my obedience, that he doesn’t expect me to fail, but I’m only human.

Knowing I would have to wait two weeks before this punishment could be meted out, I asked Bear if he would please let me know what I would be facing when the time came. Knowing me as he does, he tried to reduce my anxiety by giving me lines as part of my punishment; something I could get stuck into so I wouldn’t feel so powerless. But then my stupid brain started turning over the as-yet-unspecified number of spanks my bottom would be receiving. It had been 10 the first time; how many would it be for the second? Would He double it? Treble it? Would He use the paddle this time? Could I take it? What if it was too much and I had to safeword? How could I make up for breaking the rules if I couldn’t take the punishment?

I trust Him completely, that He will be fair and will look after me. He’s never pushed me too far before and I have no reason to think He’ll start now. My fears are of failing Him again, and of the unknown. If I knew how many spanks I was getting, I could prepare, psych myself up for it. Am I a bad sub because I struggle with this? Shouldn’t the relinquishing of this level of control be an intrinsic part of my submission to Him?

These are the things now keeping me awake in the middle of the night.

4 thoughts on “Sleepless in Northamptonshire 

  1. For something that is causing you this level of anxiety I really think you need to talk about it. I don’t think it’s wrong for you to want to know what is going to happen so you can prepare yourself.
    I’m having trouble trying to put this into words but the punishment is supposed to guide you, not make you ill. Does that make sense?

    1. Thank you for your thoughts and concern, and I think I do understand what you mean.
      The initial anxiety, the episode I described, was something I did seek medical advice for and had tests and medication at the time. It then resolved over time.
      However, it seems to have become the way I respond to stress and uncertainty since then, although not to the same extent. This most recent episode has been mostly sleeplessness, no panic attacks or similar. If I was experiencing the same level of distress as I was last year, I would return to the doctor for further help.

  2. That’s it’s causing you this amount of anxiety is something to be discussed between the two of you.
    Sometimes things work and sometimes they don’t and maybe a 2 week wait for punishment falls into the ‘doesn’t work’ category. Doesn’t make you a bad sub or him a bad Dom, it’s about what works for you both.

    1. Oh, we’ve talked about it. When he realised what was happening he said he would reconsider the nature of my punishment, but if anything the uncertainty made it worse. We think we have solved the problem, and will talk it over at the weekend. Hopefully I won’t need punishment again, but we’ll learn from this in future.

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