Hello, only me. Cub mentioned that I haven’t written anything for ages and that she likes to read my poorly written prose. So can you guess what I am doing… Oh wait..you will already know what I am doing, as I would have finished and published this by the time you have even read the first word. There goes my surprise.
Today, we reach October. Three months left of the year two thousand and seventeen anno domini. A year which had seen turbulence around the world. A year where cub is more comfortable getting naked in front of people and a year where I found out I needed to make some lifestyle changes.
Just to be clear not BDSM lifestyle changes but, actual life changes. With BDSM I think I am constantly changing, growing and understanding what I want and what cub wants. Living apart and having brief moments of play has worked well. Of course as I have said before, there will come a time when this is just not enough. I know we will both want more.
This wanting more plays on my mind a lot. More than it probably should. I am happy (ish) at the moment. Work is ok, if a little dull and way underpaid, yet it gives me the flexibility to be a great dad to my kids and the ability to see cub longer than most LDR’s.
It was Louis CK who said in one of his stand-up routines, being a divorce parent is great. You get to have parent time and adult time. You get time with the kids being the parent helping with homework and life skills. Yet for me every other weekend I am free to be an adult and do VERY adult things.So what would a future look like with cub?
It’s clear one of us would need to move. We live 90 minutes apart so any move would involve a new home and new job for at least one of us. Then we have to work out how the other parent of our kids will react and deal with any changes. Then you throw in the logistics of the other parents the children. It’s all rather complex.
Yet, it doesn’t phase me as much as it should. I can foresee the motorway becoming a friend and a foe. I can see integration of parenting styles being an issue and I can see my bad habits being annoying. Yet despite the negatives and the harsh reality that I have no idea how, when or if it would all work. I still want it. I want bad.
I want to come home to cub after work (certainly not a hard day at work). I want to be at home for cub. I want to look after cub, nurture her and protect her. Help her with the boring, grown up stuff we all have to do. Now I think this is a real sign of love, I have already helped her switch energy supplier. That’s my dedication all laid out in cold hard boringness.
I want to do the boring mundane things in life together as a couple. I want to enjoy as much time as I can with cub. From doing the food shop to picking out soft furnishings. I have already been practicing my “that looks nice dear” routine as, well, soft furnishings are so not my thing.
One day things will be different, things will be like a new dawn on a summer day, like a butterfly appearing from its cocoon or like the first time you go to CMnf. Wide eyed with no where to look.*
So there you have it cub. I have done some writing, I have laid out the future, of sorts. I now just need to read this back to see if it makes any sense or if it’s the words of a mad man driven to insanity by the sounds of a kids party. My God it’s fucking noisy.
*As an aside, so many beautiful people at CMnf with so much wonderful body art and decorations. It’s hard to take in some of the designs and not look like you’re ogling.