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Mixed emotions 

The first time I met my Bear, it was in a coffee concession in a retail park just off the motorway. Romantic, huh? I was a mess of emotions. There was definitely excitement, but also apprehension (what if I ended up dead in a ditch?) and I’ll admit there was a fair amount of suspicion. At least one of the prospective Doms I had spoken with in the preceding few months has turned out to be significantly more married than they had led me to believe. At the time, Bear identified as poly, something I was not sure how to deal with (in a potential partner, I mean).

I had known about it when we started talking, and it meant I hadn’t really considered the pair of us becoming Dom and sub. We had a similar sense of humour and similar attitudes to D/s and would happily chat away without it ever seeming like a job interview (as happened quite often when I was looking for a Dom).

I don’t really know what result I was hoping for when we decided we should meet. We had both said that we felt there was potential between us, something we wanted to explore, but neither of us had specifically addressed the polyamorous aspect.

Bear had mentioned wanting to find somebody who was his alone, that he didn’t have to share with a husband or another Dom, but I didn’t know if he meant that to the exclusion of his other encounters, or in addition to. And I didn’t know how I would feel about that. I knew I liked him very much, but was I prepared to be one of several?

Looking back, I probably should have just asked if he planned to continue as poly, or if he was thinking of starting a monogamous relationship. But at the time I wasn’t ready to stop this thing before it started, which I think I would have done if he told me he wanted to continue with multiple subs. I thought it was better to stay in the dark until after we had met and we could have a discussion and make a decision together.

So I trundled off up the M1 in a thunderstorm which I hoped wouldn’t be portentous, feeling nervous and slightly illicit. While rationally I knew that all the women he had been seeing were fully aware of his situation, there was a slight feeling of guilt. In a bizarre and unconventional way, was I the other woman? Or more accurately, the other other other woman? How would I feel if he wanted to keep seeing me but wanted to stay poly?

The meeting was lovely. After some initial shyness we spent a few happy hours together and I was feeling very optimistic about our next encounter (the BBB two weeks later).

I was sorry when it was time to leave, but I was also a little bit nervous again; when we arranged to meet, he had said he hoped to get a kiss. It had been a long time since I had done this. As we stood by my car, he could tell I was stalling and called me out on it. After some very enjoyable kisses and the merest hint of his hand at my throat, I was cuddled up against him in the middle of a Leicestershire car park.

My Bear happens to give the best cuddles ever, and after a few minutes I felt a massive weight lift off my shoulders. He commented on it at the time; I literally relaxed into him, shoulders dropping as the tension of years left my body and I clung to his tummy like a baby koala.

For well over ten minutes.

I couldn’t bring myself to let go. I still didn’t know what would happen in the following few weeks as we worked out what we wanted, but I knew I wanted something with him.

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