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I never thought I’d….

I never thought I’d miss you
Half as much as I do
And I never thought I’d feel this way
The way I feel
About you
As soon as I wake up
Every night, every day
I know that it’s you I need
To take the blues away
It must be love, love, love
It must be love, love, love
Nothing more, nothing less
Love is the best

How can it be that we can
Say so much without words?
Bless you and bless me
Bless the bees
And the birds
I’ve got to be near you
Every night, every day
I couldn’t be happy
Any other way
It must be love, love, love
It must be love, love, love
Nothing more, nothing less
Love is the best

This is what popped into my head as I read Bear’s prompt for April. Beyond that, I was a bit stuck for what to write about. There are things I have done in the past 18 months that I never thought I’d be brave enough to do, or have an opportunity to do. There are things we are planning in the next six months that I still can’t quite believe I’m considering. One example that came up recently; we were discussing me getting waxed before we attended a proper play event, and should I have the usual bikini wax or go for the full monty. I said I wanted to make sure my pussy was as pretty as possible before I got it out in a room full of strangers, and then I had to take a little moment to consider what I was saying. I never thought I’d be making plans like this. That shy, retiring little me would be preparing to expose myself in such a way, possibly even playing in front of people. Whether or not we actually go through with it in the end, to get to this stage is a huge step for me.

But these things are too predictable, and likely to be explored in other posts.

Last weekend furnished me with an unexpected source of inspiration; I never thought I would request not to play.
As I have previously mentioned, my Bear and I have many restrictions on our play time, and as such we tend to jump on the opportunities when they come along. This weekend we had a full day off without chaperones, so it seemed an ideal time. Towards the end of last week I had broken a rule and so there would be some punishment necessary before we got on with anything more enjoyable. I don’t know if the two were connected, but I was also feeling emotionally fragile at the start of our time together. We try to talk about things openly, and healthy communication is very important to us, but it is inevitable that we will still get hurt or frustrated on occasion. The communication can’t prevent these things from ever happening, but it is incredibly valuable in dealing with things when they do. I explained what had upset me; the feeling that what I said didn’t matter, of having my opinions disregarded (a hangover from a previous relationship, and something I hope we will both be mindful of in future) and everything was straightened out, but it affected my mood for some time afterwards.

I did my lines and awaited the second part of my punishment, to be revealed on Sunday morning.

He informed me I was to spend the whole day serving Him; after my transgression, it was important for me to remember who was in charge, and who should be constantly in my thoughts.

Now, this may not seem like a punishment to many of you. I enjoy looking after him, sitting at his feet and the subby feeling it gives me, but this was more than the usual level. I was to ask permission to eat, or use the bathroom. Combined with the knowledge of my failure and his dissatisfaction, it would have been an effective and appropriate punishment.

Except my head was not remotely in the right place. We’d been awake less than half an hour, and already I was bristling internally at the instructions. I know this doesn’t make me sound like the best submissive. I knew when I went into this relationship that he would be giving me instructions and it was expected that I would carry them out, within our agreed limits. But my head was simply not in the right place. My Bear knew this; he could tell by the way I was sucking his cock. He asked me to tell him what was wrong, which I found incredibly difficult to do. Even though I was not feeling in the right sub mindset, he is and will always be my Dom. It’s the reason I could never be in a 24/7 BDSM dynamic. I find it very difficult to speak freely when he is in full-on Dom mode, even if I am not properly in sub mode, especially when a punishment is due. I struggled to express how I was feeling, not really knowing myself. It was important that I made it clear that it wasn’t that I didn’t want to submit, or that I wouldn’t or couldn’t. I could’ve gritted my teeth and got on with the day in spite of everything. That was the problem, I suppose. I could have done that, and resented every second of it, feeling more and more like what I felt didn’t matter, getting more angry and hurt until I resented Him, which is something I couldn’t bear to have happen. I hope he understood what I meant, and if not then I hope I have explained myself better this time. I’m not prepared to risk this relationship by keeping quiet when things don’t feel right, even if it means saying no to the chance to play. 

Nothing more, nothing less

Love is the best 

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