I’m the jealous type. I know some people think that jealousy is inherently negative; a sign of lack of trust and deep insecurity. And I agree that jealousy can be a very destructive emotion in a relationship, but I don’t think it has to be. I trust my Bear completely, but that doesn’t stop me from being an insecure person. This is no reflection on him, I always have been for as long as I can remember.
This is not to say that I don’t respect polyamorous relationships and those in them, or simply open relationships, and those in them. As long as everyone involved is fully aware of the situation and everyone consents, I think they are a marvelous thing. They are just not for me.
I say this because Bear has a fantasy involving us playing with another woman. I don’t think he has a candidate in mind, but the idea of dominating two subs at once is something that turns him on. I knew about this early in our relationship, but it came up again recently. He mentioned a lady who organised an orgy for her partner’s birthday, and I said it was a damn shame we had just missed his 40th, and now he would have to wait until he was 50 to get his orgy.
I dug a little deeper and, all teasing aside, the scenario in that blog post is not something that would suit either of us. Being the generous Dominant that he is, my Bear would want to be instrumental in bringing pleasure to other people, rather than being on the receiving end of it all. And I don’t think I could sit in the next room while he was getting up to all sorts of debauchery with other people. I would feel left out.
We talked a little more about what his perfect fantasy would look like (purely hypothetically of course, as we will never in a million years find a submissive single lady willing to play with a couple) As we talked, I realised that my reservations were not about sharing him, or fear that he would prefer what she did to what I do. I find women very sexy and in theory the idea of having a threesome is tempting, but when I think about the practicalities of it I break into a cold sweat.
The bottom line is that I have absolutely no idea how to please a woman. Men are easy, or least the few I have been with, but women terrify me. I barely even know how to get myself off, never mind anyone else. The idea of some very kind and patient lady lying there while I ineptly lick and fumble my way around, trying but failing to make her cum, is too mortifying to contemplate.
I’m far too British to cope with awkwardness and apologies that would ensue. And of course, this would be compounded by the fact that it occurred while trying to provide my beloved Bear with his ultimate fantasy. I wish I could do it, I wish I could be the kind of girl who could leap into these things and give him everything he wants and deserves, but I’m not. Not yet.
Do I have fantasies? Not really. Not in that sort of way. Apart from my fantasy of being the type of person mentioned above. My fantasies are about the things we do, the little things we want to try. Of course, in the fantasies there are no kids to work around, no laundry piled at the end of the bed, no chickens to feed early in the morning. Just us, doing what we do and being who we are. So in a way, I get my fantasy every time we are together. Lucky cub.