Fail 404

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

Winston Churchill

This is a tough post for me. On Sunday I failed at being the person cub needed, and I failed at being the person I thought I was. It’s still raw and hard to process but I hope by writing about it, that it helps all involved and possibly others. Let’s start at the beginning.

Sunday was date number three with our potential third, who we shall call honey. (You can read about the first date if you want to get up to speed). As part of the date we had also arranged to attend a new play event for cub and I. Honey had been before and we believed she would be bringing her main partner. Turns out that misunderstanding was not to be the last.

It transpires that it was going to be just us and her, so this automatically seemed to heap more pressure on this date. Not only were we on date three but we were going to this new event where it kinda felt like we had to look after her. While a third wheel is not the right term, there was concern about how she would be with us playing. Would she just sit and watch?

This prompted Cub and I to speak at length about limits and rules before the event. Cub requesting things should be taken slowly and carefully and had concerns for what honey would do if we played. I think here is a good time to mention that we haven’t played in public before.

The event we usually go to, I see as social event above a play event. That’s without mentioning how the venue is set out, making the pay equipment almost feet like a stage. While I know cub would enjoy our time playing, the feeling of being watched is not something I would enjoy.

At Twisted it seems like there were places to play in every nook and cranny. You would turn a corner and find a soft bench or large bed. As the place is usually used for swingers events, nowhere was private but then nowhere felt like a stage. There was no feeling that you were being spied on and importantly, no one stood or sat and watched.  

The other reason I haven’t played with cub in public the fear I would miss things. When we play at home my concentration is 100% on her. There are no distractions, no having to move out the way of others. No noise of other people. Just us and it works.

At the event there is a St Andrews cross which cub has always wanted to try. We arrived early and it was still quiet so seemed like the perfect time to play and push myself and cub a little.

I fastened cub to the top of the cross and checked she was ok before I proceed to start our usual play routine. After a few minutes of a warm bottom from the flogging, I invited honey to come over and feel how warm it was. This was meant to be a small gesture to keep her involved and help cub get over her fears. What happened next was not part of the script. (sorry that sounds very clickbait)

While she was feeling cubs bottom, she proceeded to rub and stroke cub in other places. All over her thighs and sides, then moving on to kissing her body. I checked in with cub to see if this was ok and continued to flog her, while trying not to hit honey. Over the next ten minutes things went beyond what was agreed between cub and I. There was kissing on all sides, there was licking and there was finger fucking. Things which should not have happened, or at the very least not as quickly as they did.

This is where I failed. I got caught up in the moment and in the entire scene, and failed to stop or at least slow everything down. I failed to follow what we had agreed. I failed to understand what cub needed, including failing to spot moments when she needed me the most. The small gestures I would have picked up if my concentration was not all over the place, were sadly missed.

Even when checking in on cub, I should have known things were not going well from how she said it.  I was lost, and ultimately cub called a halt to everything and it was clear she was upset. I feel I failed on so many levels that it hung over the rest of the day.

I am not happy with how things happened and I am especially not happy with how I handled the situation. There were many times I should have called a halt to the events taking place. It will stay with me for a long time to come and serve as a reminder of how not great things can be.

Since then I have felt terrible about what took place. I’m trying not to beat myself up about what happened as we all make mistakes, but there is something else. There is massive amounts of guilt.

I feel guilty for making cub feel bad. I think that’s clear, but what I didn’t expect is the guilt for enjoying parts of what happened. In isolation, there were parts I thought were hot. Parts I literally had to stand back from as my tiny mind was blown. These moments I think made cub feel worse. So double up on the guilt.

On the positive side, cub did go beyond what she thought she could, and broke some new ground with her exploration. We have since talked about what took place and have both learned from the experience. This is the first time in our relationship that we have had any major kind of issue like this and I hope it serves as a reminder for us that while being human we might not get things right all the time. Each time you do mess up, you need to learn from it and I think cub and I have learned a lot from what happened.

I know we’ll be ok but I wonder if I’ve broken cub. Have I tainted this experience for her because she said stop or that things move so darn fast. I don’t know, but we’ll talk about this a lot over the coming weeks and months. We will overcome this and we will be more aware if anything like this happens again.

Cub’s thoughts on the event can be found here.

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