**Disclaimer; in this post I will talk about feelings I have which are irrational, and which go against things I know to be true. One purpose of this post is to reconcile these two sides. As Bear will tell you, I apologise far too much for things that aren’t my fault. This post is no different.**
We attended Twisted on Sunday. You can read Bear’s post about looking forward to the event here, and a bit of background about exploring the possibility of poly, my insecurities and our first date with Honey.
Going into Sunday, I had two main concerns; firstly, being left out. I have written before about my awareness of my insecurities, and that I didn’t like the idea of Bear having a whole relationship that I wasn’t part of. If we were going to do this, then I needed it to feel like she was joining us, rather than me joining them, at least in the early stages of this new dynamic.
Secondly, I didn’t want to be put in the position of being the one to have to stop everything. I can be painfully accommodating at times, particularly if I’m feeling a little vulnerable. I have been known to sign up to a direct debit just because I struggle to say “no” to the charity collector, so I’m really not the person who should be controlling the speed of a scene.
I had explained to Bear that the fact I was the least experienced and most tentative of the three of us, coupled with my desire to please, to not spoil everyone else’s good time, meant that I knew I would feel a (completely self-imposed) pressure to let things go further than I might be comfortable with in order to ensure everyone else had a good time.
Bear said that he would keep me safe, that he had no expectations, and promised that he would make sure everything went slowly. We talked about the two of us playing while Honey was there, about the possibility of her joining in a little, about Bear maybe topping her… Sunday would just be tentative first steps, something to build on in later dates together.
Bear mentioned that he was wondering about pushing me a little more than usual, trying to help me get through my own reservations. He has an astonishing level of faith in me, sometimes too much. I think the idea was that by him taking more control, I would find I was able to go further than I was giving myself credit for. This wasn’t an idea I was convinced by, as I felt it would only increase the pressure on me to be the one to stop things if they went too far.
Neither of us really thought anything much would happen, beyond maybe my first kiss with a woman, and Bear would be there to take charge of anything else.
Twisted itself is a great event in a discreet venue. It is full of equipment, apparatus, huge beds and little nooks. We had the tour, and everyone was very friendly and on hand to answer any questions. It is a different atmosphere to the events we regularly attend; they are social events with some added playing. Twisted felt more like a sex event with some socialising.
After a look around and some relaxed talking over a drink, Bear suggested we go and use the St Andrew’s Cross. I was excited, as I had always wanted to try one, but a little unsure what was about to happen. I stripped down to my knickers and was strapped in. Having another person there wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be, and my bottom was soon getting flogged.
The Cross faces a wall so I could see nothing, so I shut my eyes and focused on what was happening. I could hear other groups being shown the area, and that was easier than expected. I felt Honey’s hand on my bum, heard her and Bear talking about how warm it was getting, and I was surprised by how sexy I found that, and by how aroused I was getting.
Someone (I later discovered it was Bear) removed my knickers and I felt his fingers. Honey was caressing my thigh and kissing my side while Bear spanked me, which was a really amazing sensation. I was still nervous but was proud of myself so far, and trying to stay in the moment and not get lost in my own head. Bear’s fingers disappeared, and I’m pretty sure he gave them to Honey to lick clean. I was a bit surprised by this, as it didn’t seem to fit in with what we had discussed, but maybe he had decided to push me after all. Her fingers replaced his, again something beyond what we had talked about. I didn’t know if it was her idea or his. Maybe he had asked her to, to show me that I could do it. He sounded so proud of me when he checked in with me, and I didn’t want to let him down.
I heard them kissing and it hurt. We hadn’t talked about that. I don’t know what I would have said if we had, but it was too late now. It was happening, and I wasn’t included in it and wasn’t involved in the decision and I was left out while it was literally going on behind my back. I felt very alone.
At home when I am in restraints, I can move my hand in a certain way and Bear will know that he needs to hold my hand for a moment. I tried this on Sunday because I needed to feel closer to him, but nothing happened. I don’t know if it’s because he’s attention was divided, because he was overwhelmed by what was happening, or if it was simply because we’ve never used a St Andrew’s Cross before and he has never had to look up to read my reactions.
Honey moved to kiss me on the mouth, which helped get me back into the moment. This was one of the times when my memory was taking too much in; I don’t know where Bear was at this point. I suppose he was there watching (he wouldn’t miss that for the world) but I couldn’t feel him, which is unusual.
She asked if she could lick me, and I said yes because I couldn’t think of anything better to say, and because Bear felt far away, and because I wanted to make him proud, and because I wanted to push myself, and for all kinds of wrong reasons. Then she was between my legs, licking my pussy and I tried to ignore the increasing feeling that this was going much too fast. The physical sensation was delightful, gentle and warm and different from Bear. I was thinking that I had no idea how to reciprocate if the time came, but then suddenly it just became too much. Not the sensation, but the situation. I felt lightheaded and adrift and I just wanted it all to stop but I didn’t know how. I was so unprepared for this. We both were. I didn’t know what was going on with Bear, but it had become apparent that he wasn’t slowing things down for me. Maybe he was too caught up what was playing out in front of him. Things felt out of control.
I thought about calling out for him but I didn’t know what to say. “Sir”? “Bear”? “Red”? Looking back, I should have said any of them. I should have said anything. Even a cry of “penguin” would have brought him to me.
I overheard them behind me, and I knew things between them were about to go even further, in a way I could not cope with. Even Honey expressed surprise that things had gone so fast. That was confirmation that things were out of control, nobody was putting the brakes on. I don’t remember exactly how, but the next thing I was aware of was Bear standing next to the cross asking quietly if I was OK. I told him I wasn’t, that I wanted to stop but didn’t know how. I heard him tell Honey and everything stopped. I felt like such a disappointment.
I know I did the right thing, and that things shouldn’t have carried on once it was clear nobody was in control, but while Bear and Honey were both surprised by how fast things have gone, they both seemed pretty relaxed, even enthusiastic, about it. It was me putting a damper on things.
It felt like a long time before he took me down. When I have safeworded or expressed discomfort in the past, Bear has me out of the restraints and into his arms in a flash. It probably felt longer than it was, but the feeling of being removed, separate from whatever was going on behind me, made it a long and lonely wait. Not long enough to feel forgotten, but enough to feel overlooked. A lower priority than putting the toys away.
After a long hug I felt better. We hadn’t brought my blanket, so Bear fetched me a towel and Honey got me a drink. When Honey stepped away for a moment, Bear asked earnestly if I was ok. I told him that I didn’t really know, but I needed to put a brave face on it and get through the rest of the afternoon. When Honey returned it was very awkward and I just wanted to apologise for ruining everything. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, except for maybe not speaking up sooner, but it was exactly the situation I had been worried about.
After that we decided to move to the hot tub. There is a hot tub at the event we normally go to, but we’ve never had the courage to go in. We’re too busy talking anyway. The anonymity of a new event gave Bear a bit of a boost of courage, and the three of us stripped off and went in. It was a very welcome feeling, and Bear and I had lots of much needed cuddles, although I still didn’t quite know what to say to Honey.
Afterwards we got dressed and got some drinks and found a little sofa tucked away in a corner. Bear looked very pleased with himself, sat in the middle with a girl snuggled against him on each side. After a while, Honey mentioned about maybe finding someone who she could ask to play, and I felt guilty. We had brought her with us, and although there hadn’t been a stated expectation of play, it seemed unfair to her that she would have to go and find somebody else to play with.
I thought about what I could live with, and what I knew I couldn’t deal with that day, and told Bear that if he wanted some impact play with her that was OK with me, but nothing sexual. I don’t think I could have watched, one major reason being that I didn’t want there to be any possibility of me being invited to join in. I made my excuses and went to bar, with my inadequacies for company. While I was waiting, I was asked if I was there alone, but I had no idea how to answer. In the end, I went with “no, my boyfriend is spanking someone else.” I’m still getting used to living in a world where something like that doesn’t raise an eyebrow. It’s hard, putting on a brave face.
Bear came to fetch me when they were done, and I went and joined them on the sofa again. Bear knew I was struggling with watching him be intimate with somebody else, so he left the middle seat for me. I sat between them and gave Honey a cuddle. The cuddle was nice, and I know it made Bear happy to see it, although for me it was tinged with sadness. I was his sub, his person. I wore his collar, and here I was giving aftercare to the person he just spanked. It highlighted my shortcomings, as did the fact that, despite months and months of encouragement to play at the other events, the first time Bear was able to play successfully in public it was with someone else.
After that, it was time to leave. We drove Honey home, said our goodbyes to her and headed home to compare notes and dissect the events of the afternoon.
So, how do I feel about the whole thing?
I am disappointed because I anticipated the problems I would have, and did everything I could to mitigate and avoid those things, but both things I feared most still happened. I was still the one who had to stop, knowing that it would spark all the feelings of inadequacy that would come with it. I was still left on my own while they played.
I am frustrated because it started out so well, and it could all have been resolved with better communication. Or any communication at all, frankly. All three of us messed up by assuming we should just keep going until someone else said ‘stop’.
I am sad because it was a momentous achievement for me. I pushed myself, and made some huge steps, but it’s all overshadowed by the things I couldn’t do. It is a shame that my first experiences with another woman ended up being less than positive because of that, especially because the actual experiences, taken in isolation, were very enjoyable.
I am torn because I don’t know if Bear and I should continue with the process of adding a third person, be it Honey or someone else. Sunday gave me new confidence in some areas, but highlighted some things we still need to do a lot more work on.
I am ashamed because I feel like my wobble early in the afternoon, and the resulting mess in my brain, cast a pall over the others’ enjoyment of the event.
I am worried because I feel like Bear is taking all this very hard. He feels like he failed, that he let me down, and he is beating himself up about it. I don’t want him to haul himself over the coals for his mistakes; I want him to learn from them so we can move forward.
I am hopeful because Bear and I have talked over what happened, what went wrong, and how we feel about it. There has been sadness and guilt, but no anger, no accusations, no bitterness. We can handle this.
Bear’s thoughts on the event can be found here