I must have started this blog post about 100 times. This being number 102. It’s hard to put into words what is going on in my brain at the moment. So, this post may be the most jumbled messy thing you have ever read (excluding the DaVinci code).
I have struggled this year with my mental health. This is not directly related to Covid, but I think it’s had more on an effect on me that I first thought. Some days I am up and happy and some days I just want to stay in bed and cry the day away but never really knowing the source of the sadness.
At the start of lockdown, I began in a new role at work. While for a time it was interesting, it soon became so dull my mind wasn’t being occupied and certainly not fulfilled. This only added to my mental health issues as I wasn’t being used or stretched. Add to this the emptiness of the role meant my brain was free to wonder to dark places.
I will be honest and say I did not handle that well at all. In fact, I would say I had a total breakdown and wanted to just vanish off the face of the planet. It all became too much and so cub suggested I see a therapist.
Through talking to her, I started to open up about my deepest thoughts and feelings. Ones I had buried so far down I thought would just wither and die. Turns out they were having a massive effect on me and needed to be dealt with so I can move forwards.
When you hear the phrase “People Pleaser” it always seems to conjure up in my mind a submissive attitude to the world. Yet, as I looked deeper and deeper, it turns out I am very much a people pleaser but with extra bells and whistles.
I like to make people happy or at least make their life easier as best I can. The desire is selfless on the face of it but it really isn’t. It’s all about me filling up my wellness bar, to quote gamer speak. For every good act I do or, as it now seems, any interaction however small I have with other humans, this fills up that bar. This bar is then used to make me feel good and recycled into helping those I care for as best I can.As lockdown hit, I never got my bar filled and it became a darker and darker place as I continued to help those around despite not having the wellness and energy to keep doing it. People relied on me and I couldn’t stop. This of course had a negative impact on me and led to my brain going in the toilet. Where I hit bottom.
Now this is all well and sad but it’s the deepest feelings which brings me to write this post. As part of the sessions, we discussed my profound poly thoughts and feelings. I hadn’t really addressed these since I renounced them when I met cub. I truly thought I could pop the feelings in a box and get on with life. I kept hanging on to thought that “That time was just a phase and now I am normal”.
I really enjoyed being poly back in the day. The human connection I got with people was often very deep and meaningful. Sure, there may have also been some not so deep connections, if you know what I mean, but on the whole I thrived on meeting new and interesting people and getting to know them on all levels.
As I continued with the sessions, it became clearer that these feelings and emotions were having quite the profound harmful effect on me. I needed to address them and work through them to be me. The problem was that as I was doing this, the thought of telling cub that poly is something I need, and that it’s not gone away, filled me with dread.
Cub is monogamous. I was seeing several people when we met, which she knew about, but she made it clear that she wasn’t interested in being one of many. She has no problem with ethical non-monogamy, but it was not something she wanted for her relationships. At the time, this felt like a promise I could make.
Yet here I was about to tell her that she is brilliant and wonderful and I love her very much, but would she mind if I went and found another person as well as her. That is, to say and do things with them on a deeper level than just friends. That all sounded very suss to me and I am the one saying it.
When it came time to tell cub, it wasn’t how I really wanted to do it, over Skype and just blurting it out (must remember to work on that). However, I am super proud of how she has dealt with it, and continues to deal with it. I was expecting the world to fall in and it didn’t, just tiny parts of it which we hope can be fixed. They may be difficult to fix but they will be fixed I am sure.So here I am, a slowly emerging poly / non monogamous person again and it’s a strange feeling. I know this is what I need and the journey will not be easy. Yet at times I am super happy with how it makes me feel. Sure, there are times it scares me to death but I know WE can do this and that’s the thing. Yes, it’s my journey but we will do this as partners.